On Posting...

If you read my previous post you might have noticed that I have kept my mind busy, which could mean that I had a lot to post. So why did I not do it?

Maybe because I am a proud person and I do not like to admit that I feel like I am not doing as good as I think I should be doing. I do not like to doubt myself, and I have done that so often in the past years. (How could we think as teenagers that life was easier as adults?!) So actually writing it down is difficult, despite also being a quite relieving action. When I am troubled I tend to close myself up more than usual, it is a mechanism of defence...

There were times that I thought of things and considered them interesting to post, but eventually I would dismiss them for a number of reasons. Being the most prominent one laziness and the second one to think that it was exposing to much. The funny thing is that this blog was created for me to write about what troubled me, how I felt at the time. It also has had the purpose of sharing experiences and things I like, but it was mostly to put my thoughts out in the world. And the latter has been the least done. 

I am my own editor. And what a fearsome editor am I...

So, you can say that one of the main reasons that I have no been posting is that I been to troubled and stressed with life...

A random fact in 15 days I'll be 30... Doesn't wisdom come with age?

Long Time, No See...

I will not even count the months that I have been without posting, It's too shameful...

There isn't much that I can say about that, life has been hectic and there are actually no excuses. :)

So, today I decided to break my silence to post a song that I discovered sometime ago, but only today I decided to search on YouTube. 

Hurt - Wonderful Life

(credits  PinkiSun @ YouTube)

The visual part of the video reminds me of the 80s. And the music in itself also kind of reminds me of that decade. Maybe that is the reason I like the music, I do quite enjoy 80s music!

Maybe it is because of the message:

Don't let go

Never give up

It's a wonderful life

I am not thinking of giving up on life, I do not really work that way. But I have been thinking and rethinking if the choice that I made to go for a PhD was the correct one. It's not that I was expecting it to be easy, it's more that it is not giving me the thrill that I expected it to give. I choose as I always do, I went for what was more appealing to me. However, I also made the easiest choice by going for a project that was more or less already drawn by me supervisor. That does not mean that do not have input, actually I think he would like me to give more. It is just that other than my boss there is no one else that really is experienced in our group, so sometimes support (in basic stuff) is lacking. There is also the question of the other lab members, I do not really feel that we are actually a group... I miss my friends from my "previous life". Work-wise things where not that good, but friend-wise... they where great.

I do not usually give up on the choices that I made. And, even though I am not completely happy with everything and from time to time get quiet depressed about things, I do not really see an actual reason to go back on this one. Meaning that I am going to stick to it and give my best as usual. I just wish that I would not make things so hard on myself by over-thinking everything...

Demanding...

Among the people that know me I am considered to be quite demanding of myself and other people. I create expectations and get frustrated when the persons that I care about do not meet them. 

Do not get scared, getting older and having expectations frustrated time and time again, has thought me to be not to so demanding or at least not to get so frustrated. Even so, there are times that my personality gets the better of me and I create them and get frustrated by them.

Sometimes life is complicated, by us...

On being me...

Lol, this title does sound pretensious...

The other day someone I know made a comment on my personality that I had not heard for awhile, but that is not a rare comment:

"You like to isolate yourself. I do not agree with that." (or something close to this).

Basically this person, as (so many) others, disagrees with me doing things by myself. Or putting in another way, with the fact that I only count on me for doing stuff that I want to do. I like going to the cinema, for walks, shopping and other stuff. And if I have no one to do this things with I will go by myself and enjoy myself. Most people find this strange, and they have no problems in telling me this to my face. As if because I do things differently from most people I am the one in the wrong...

I am not saying that this is the correct way of living. It is just my way.

I may not agree, or think is healthy, to completely depend on others to do stuff, but I do not go around criticizing people for this. I may have in occasions told someone that it would be good for them to try and be by themselves for awhile. But I do not tell them that I do not like the way they live their lives.

So, why do these persons think they can tell me these kind of things?! Is there really a single way of living your live?!

I think not!

I agree that I am basically a solitary person, and admit that occasionally I do feel lonely. However, I am comfortable with myself and in the end that is what matters.

Life is solitary journey. We are born and die by ourselves. (I do not mean with no one around us, but that these are things that can only be experienced by oneself.) Each one of us as a very particular way to perceive the world. Some people are better at conveying their thoughts than others. These are the ones that are socially more successful. I am not one of those persons, and I am cool with that. It was not always like this.

P.S. - I do like having friends and I appreciate the ones I have.

Life...

Sometimes takes us be surprise... That is all I wanted to say, even though it is nothing new...