Today I exploded…

Today, everything that I have been avoiding surfaced. All my frustrations, all the pain that I’m feeling, the disappointment, everything… I’ve become a master in hiding from myself, in not looking in side of me, so I can avoid the discomfort of this entire situation.

The name of this blog has a reason, I really am lost. A lost track of me somewhere, somehow... I don’t know what I want and to where I’m heading. All this feelings bring me great discomfort and pain. When I close my eyes in searching of myself, I only find emptiness… I feel empty, has if I haven’t accomplished anything. Even though I’m almost finishing my thesis I do not feel accomplished. I should, it has been a very arduous journey. Maybe that is the reason I feel like this…

How can I have let myself come into this situation?!

I lost track of my dreams! How do I find them?!

You are trampled, or plucked,
You can blossom again, just keep on believing in it.
Even if it isn't raining or there is no sun.
Look calm, like you don't care.
If you lost your way, just ask somebody.
If you lost your dream, just close your eyes again.
And some day you will blossom, with your hands wide spread.

咲き誇る華の様に-Neo Visualizm- by 雅-Miyavi-

(Sakihokoru Hana No You Ni -Neo Visualizm- or
As the flower blooming proudly -Neo Visualizm-)

The first time I read this lyrics I felt like crying, it was the message that I needed to hear. But closing my eyes and looking in side of me is painful… It makes all my feelings surface, I’m forced to deal with them. However, if I rationalize it, in order to find myself again I have to solve my “problems” and my frustrations. I have to look myself in the eyes I face the “monster” inside. What if I don’t like what I see?! I can only become the person that I want to be if I identify and face my own imperfections (ohhh, this is difficult to admit since I am a perfectionist…).

I really needed to express how I’m feeling today.

Here’s the preview for the song 咲き誇る華の様に-Neo Visualizm- by 雅-Miyavi-:
(I would like to acknowledge Chikara31 for the post, the translation and subtitles)

P.S. – I usually don’t expose myself like this, but I feel I have to be honest and to start to face the real me.